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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27768154">Do They Know it's Christmastime at All?: A Jolly Holly Holiday Mystery (Interflix Original)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingkerouac/pseuds/chasingkerouac'>chasingkerouac</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Schitt's Creek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Fluff, Inspired by Hallmark Christmas Movies, M/M, Meet-Cute</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:55:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,351</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27768154</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingkerouac/pseuds/chasingkerouac</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>David, after giving up his own dreams of a successful acting career, gets dragged along to what Alexis insists is going to be her big break - a holiday blockbuster with a horrendous title, and an even worse script.  Nothing good can come of this trainwreck of a project.  Nothing.</p><p>Well, maybe that cutie in the khakis...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Patrick Brewer/David Rose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Schitt's Creek: Frozen Over (2020)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Do They Know it's Christmastime at All?: A Jolly Holly Holiday Mystery (Interflix Original)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">



        <li>In response to a prompt by
            Anonymous in the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCFrozenOver2020">SCFrozenOver2020</a>
          collection.
        </li>
    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <strong>Prompt:</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Actors AU</p><p>David and Patrick are both actors appearing in a super cheesy Hallmark (or Netflix, it is 2020) holiday movie. This is NOT one of those "they're in a slump but the movie is so great they win an Oscar" fics- this movie is BAD. </p><p>How this happens is up to you: maybe<br/>-they play the romantic leads and fall in love for real despite all the awfulness?<br/>-Alexis is playing one romantic lead, Patrick is playing the other, and David has been shlepped on set to have a bit part (her brother or something) and regrets it til he meets Patrick?<br/>-Patrick plays the dad, David plays the supportive art teacher, they're only on set together twice but that's enough?<br/>-Patrick plays a romantic lead, David plays the "gay best friend/roommate comedy relief," and things just progress from there?</p><p>Any rating, preferably not Rachel playing the female romantic lead but I guess you do you, and remember- the movie should be TERRIBLE. As in, one lead is an undercover prince, the other lead is a Christmas market employee who's had a brain injury that made them forget the true meaning of the holiday season, and their children fall in love while co-starring as Mary and Joseph in the pageant and then parent-trap their parents. I don't know, just come up with something insane.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What the actual fuck is this?”</p><p>Alexis looked up from her phone to see David scowling at the thick script currently being used as a cup holder on their kitchen table.  “It’s the script for the major motion picture that’s soon to become a holiday classic, starring the belle of the Bravo TV reality empire.”</p><p>“Lisa Rinna?”</p><p>“Ugh, David,” Alexis snapped.  “You know that <em> A Little Bit Alexis </em> was the top rated reality programming on Wednesday nights among pre-teens inside of juvenile detention facilities, so it’s obvious why they wanted me to bring some star power to this movie.”</p><p>David had already tuned her out and was busy flipping through the pages.  “I can tell you one, it’s not an accomplishment to be well-loved on prison tv, and two, there’s no way this is getting anywhere near a theater.”</p><p>“Um, yes it is.”</p><p>“Um, no it’s not.”  He held up the script.  “The name of the movie is ‘Do They Know it’s Christmastime at All?: A Jolly Holly Holiday Mystery’.  You couldn’t pay a movie theater to put something with that convoluted title on screen.  And what’s a ‘jolly holly’?”</p><p>“It’s me,” she said, grinning.  </p><p>David just stared at her.  “Is it porn?”</p><p>“It’s a beautiful story about a small town detective who only works on holidays and has to solve the mystery of why everyone in town suddenly doesn’t know what Christmas is before the local developer comes in and… I don’t know, kills all the reindeer or something.”</p><p>“You don’t know what it’s about?”</p><p>“It’s about the joy of the holidays and family and stuff.  I know enough.  It’s all there in the script.  Probably.”</p><p>David dropped the script back onto the table.  “And when do you start filming this masterpiece?”</p><p>Alexis shifted uncomfortably.  “...tomorrow.”</p><p>“Tomorrow?!”</p><p>Alexis shrugged.  “And I need you to drive me to the set.”</p><p>David just stared at her.  “No.”</p><p>“C’mon David, it’ll be fun,” she tried.  “Remember when we used to go on road trips when we were little and it was so much fun, and you loved spending time with your favorite sister?”</p><p>“We <em> never </em> went on road trips when we were kids, and when we did go anywhere together, you told people that I was the ‘poor unfortunate soul you were sponsoring’ like an adopted panda at the zoo.”</p><p>“Everyone loves pandas, David.”</p><p>“Take an Uber.”</p><p>“I can’t,” Alexis sighed.  “They locked my account because Stavros’ credit card expired.  Please, David.”  She tilted her head and put on her best ‘sad’ expression -- the one that she got a lot of use out of on <em> A Little Bit Alexis </em> season 2.  “Because we’re family.”</p><p>“UGH FINE,” David relented.  “But just this one day.  And then you find your own ride.  I have other things I need to be doing than just being your chauffeur.” </p><p>Alexis grinned.  “No you don’t,” she pointed out, reaching out and poking his nose with her pinkie finger.  “Boop.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>David never intended on becoming an actor like his mother, and he certainly didn’t intend on becoming a has-been actor by the age of 30.  Acting was just the easiest way to get his mother’s attention - it’s hard to ignore your pint-sized, technically demon possessed nuclear engineer ‘If an alternate universe you were a boy’ doppelganger soap opera acting partner.   </p><p>It was only a 17 episode run during the ‘all the tomatoes in town caused a massive hallucinogenic allergic reaction’ arc on <em> Sunrise Bay, </em>but it made it clear in his head that the easiest way to his mother Moira’s attention was through child stardom.</p><p>Unfortunately, soup commercials, Gap print ads, and one afterschool special about the dangers of ignoring afterschool specials did not translate into stardom, and he’d recently come to the painfully obvious conclusion that he would need another career path.  </p><p>Any other career path.</p><p>Alexis, on the other hand, was enough of an engaging trainwreck that reality tv was a natural home for her.  She’d originally made her name as a ‘friend’ on a show following ex-Mouseketeers living together Real World-style without ever mentioning their former employer by name for fear of a very litigious Mouse, and followed it up with the shockingly still airing <em> A Little Bit Alexis </em>.  </p><p>But Alexis wanted to be an actual actress, not just a reality star.   And this ‘feature film’ was her first chance to do it.</p><p>David still didn’t believe it was an actual film, especially considering that the production studio was just listed as the ‘fox emoji’ but it wasn’t worth the extra effort to try and correct Alexis any further.</p><p>Either he was wrong or she was wrong, and they’d find out soon enough once they got to set.</p><p>Point in David’s favor - the ‘set’ they were driving up to looked like an abandoned set of buildings all around a gazebo, so this was definitely, 100%, without a doubt a totally real big budget movie.</p><p>Definitely. </p><p>A woman with a clipboard waved their car down and motioned for them to roll down the window.  “Hi, I’m Twyla, you must be Alexis,” she said brightly.</p><p>“I absolutely am,” Alexis cooed, pushing David back into his headrest so that he wouldn’t block her.  “I am so excited to be doing this, and I know that you must be so excited to have me.  I would be excited to have me too.”</p><p>“We really are,” Twyla said.  “You can park your car in the field on the right and then just come on over to the barn and we’ll start getting everything set up for today.”</p><p>“Excuse me,” David interjected before Twyla could escape.  “This is… where is this… amazing piece of filmmaking supposed to be airing?  Just out of curiosity.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah,” Twyla chuckled.  “I think it’s on HBO now.  There were some changes this morning, but I think that’s where it’s landing.  The field is on your right,” she added with a wave as she walked away.</p><p>“So not a theater,” David mused as Alexis rolled her eyes.</p><p>“All of the good things are on premium services now, David.  That’s still a legitimate movie.”</p><p>“But not a theater.”</p><p>“You’re just not up to date on where the real creative energy lies.”</p><p>“Still not a theater.”</p><p>“I hate you.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>With Alexis whisked away into hair and make-up, David was left to wander around the ‘town’, which by any generous description looked like the after in a zombie takeover.  Maybe that was part of the movie?  Did everyone forget about Christmas because of zombies?  He thought it was blamed on magic, but admittedly he only skimmed a few pages because it was painful.  And he’d read for a local car commercial in the 90s, so he knew painful.  </p><p>He should’ve brought a book.  Or a podcast.  Or a tranquilizer.</p><p>How did he get roped into hanging around for the entire day?</p><p>And where was the food?  Wasn’t there supposed to be food to feed this… admittedly thin crowd of workers and actors?  He could suffer through anything as long as it was well catered.  </p><p>“Excuse me!” he called out, catching the eye of a guy carrying a plastic bin full of Christmas lights.  “Hi, yes, question.”</p><p>“Shoot,” the guy responded cheerfully.</p><p>Ooh, well, there was a cute smile, even if the khakis and polo screamed suburban minivan enthusiast.  Which… was the target audience for this blockbuster.  “Hi, so, yes.  Where is the food?” David asked.  “I’m sure there was supposed to be… snacks, or sandwiches, or… something…”  He motioned around him.  “I’m just, you know with all the excitement, gonna need something… to eat.”</p><p>The khakis guy looked back at the barn and shrugged.  “You know, there was coffee in the gazebo earlier, but I’m not sure if there’s anything out.  I think they were gonna order a pizza around lunch.”</p><p>“Gonna order a pizza,” David repeated.  “Yeah, this definitely has the makings of an HBO hit.”</p><p>“Oh, it’s not on HBO anymore.”</p><p>David turned to see Twyla coming up behind him.  “Already?”</p><p>“Yeah, I think it was just moved to a cable channel.  Up, or Pop, or Bump… something like that,” she replied.  “Hey, you found the lights!”</p><p>“Yep,” Khakis replied.  “I was just bringing them over - they were under the tractor for some reason.”</p><p>“Perfect, thank you.  Ready in 20?”</p><p>“Absolutely,” he chuckled, handing her the box.  “I’ll be right over.”</p><p>“So, back on the topic of the lunch options,” David asked once Twyla had absconded with the decorations.</p><p>Khakis just grinned.  “Are you one of the actors?  I thought I’d met everyone.”</p><p>“Oh me, god no!” David laughed.  “Couldn’t catch me dead working on something where zombies erase the true meaning of Christmas.”</p><p>“...zombies?”</p><p>“I might’ve made some assumptions reading Alexis’ script,” David admitted.  “No, I’m not in it.  Although, I understand how you could’ve made that mistake.  You might recognize me from my run on <em> Sunrise Bay </em> that Teen Vogue reviewed as ‘needlessly convoluted’.”</p><p>Khakis shook his head.  “Nope.  Can’t say that I did.  Patrick,” he added, extending his hand.</p><p>David shook it and tried not to read too much into his grin.  It was either ‘hey cutie’ or ‘a soap opera, really?’ - which at this point, he’d understand and support either of those interpretations.  “David Rose.”</p><p>“Oh, so you’re related to Alexis?” Patrick asked.</p><p>“My sister.  Not… not married, if that’s why you’re asking.  She’s my sister.”</p><p>“Oh, I definitely wasn’t assuming she was your wife.”</p><p>He’s got a mouth on him, David mused.  Making up for the khakis.  “So what do you do here on set?” he asked.  Maybe if he played his cards right, they could steal one of these promised pizzas and have their own little scene study by this aforementioned tractor.</p><p>Patrick shrugged.  “A little bit of everything.  Moving boxes, answering questions… actor.”</p><p>“Actor?”</p><p>“Well… technically lead actor.”</p><p>The chances of that private scene study were slipping away.  “Lead?”</p><p>“Yeah… I’m starring in this garbage.”</p><p>David bit his lip as Patrick continued to smile, smug and sure and amused.  Too amused.  “I don’t think I called it garbage…”</p><p>“Didn’t have to.  Anyway, I have to get back to the set.  I think we’re shooting the scene where the elves who work in the barn stage a union walk-out.”</p><p>“Are there… really elves?”</p><p>Patrick stepped closer and squeezed David’s arm.  “Guess you’ll have to find out.  Anyway, if you stand still too long, they might rope you into being an elf.  Since… it turns out you have acting experience.”</p><p>“What… no, I am not going to be an elf.  I’m not!” David called out as Patrick all but sauntered off.  </p><p>The fuck kind of threat was that?</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>A real one, it turns out.  He stood still too long, was in the wrong place behind the wrong camera, mentally hating Alexis as she kissed, and kissed, and kissed Patrick as they shot the scene over and over and over again, and wasn’t quick enough to get out of the way when Twyla appeared next to him holding a pair of jingle bell boots.  “I hear you used to act,” she said brightly.  “We’re missing an elf.  One scene, I just need you to stand there, and then cheer when Alexis says ‘We’ve solved the mystery of the missing dangle bells!’.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Please?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Please?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Patrick found David as the pizzas were arriving.  “I’ve gotta say, I didn’t think you’d fill out a jingle bell collar as well as you do.”</p><p>David turned, internally cursing that every move caused him to jingle jangle in this god forsaken elf costume.  “I have a graceful neck,” he explained.  “I’ve been told that.”</p><p>“Hm,” Patrick mused.  “Anyway, thanks for stepping in.  I’m sure this will be the highlight of your IMDB page.”</p><p>“I’m going to be conveniently out of the country when this airs.”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t think this is going to be that easy to escape.  You definitely stole the show.”</p><p>“At least no one will see it on cable.”</p><p>“It got moved off of cable,” Twyla announced, appearing behind them with a grin and a stack of pizzas.  “Yeah, we think it’s gonna be on streaming.  Interflix, I think.  They’re always looking for things like this.”</p><p>“Oh good.  I’m just gonna…” David trailed off, grabbing one of the pizza boxes as she turned to deliver them to the rest of the crew.  He gave the box a little shimmy and grinned at Patrick.  “So, question… want to escape to the tractor with me and talk about anything other than this travesty of a movie?”</p><p>“Are you asking me out on a date in the middle of the work day?”</p><p>“...perhaps?”</p><p>Patrick’s grin went wider.  “I’ll go grab some napkins and meet you over there.  And if I lose track of you, I’ll just listen for the jingle.”</p><p>David tried to scowl, but that caused him to move his head, which caused his collar to jingle brightly and merrily.  “At least no one will ever see this movie,” he murmured.   </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <b>One Year Later</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t understand how it can have zero stars AND be #5 on Interflix trending,” David groaned, putting down his phone on the coffee table.  “That doesn’t make any sense.  How could that happen?”</p><p>Patrick placed a kiss on the top of David’s head before dropping down next to them on their couch.  “I don’t know what to tell you, people love a train wreck.”</p><p>“But the entire town lost their memory to Holly-itis.”</p><p>“Yep.”</p><p>“And you were Santa’s grandson.”</p><p>“I was.”</p><p>“And Alexis can’t act.”</p><p>“She got most of her lines.  Eventually.”</p><p>“There was a musical number.”</p><p>Patrick propped his arm up on the back of the couch.  “You know, I think ‘The Waltz of the Forgotten Plum Fairies’ was underrated.”</p><p>“You take that back.”</p><p>“If only for the cutest elf clapping along in the background.”</p><p>“You. Take. That. Back.”</p><p>Patrick leaned over and kissed him.  “Nope,” he chuckled.  “At least you got something irreplaceable out of it.”</p><p>Now that made David smile.  “Us?”</p><p>“No, the fact that your expression as you clap has become a meme.  Alexis just texted me.”</p><p>...fuck.</p>
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